


Numb

by louistbh



Category: Harry Styles - Fandom, Louis Tomlinson - Fandom, One Direction (Band)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-04
Updated: 2018-01-04
Packaged: 2019-02-28 02:30:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13261737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/louistbh/pseuds/louistbh





	Numb

Harry was numb. He couldn’t feel anything. His eyes had dried up. He sat there, clutching onto Louis’ jumper. 

It had only seemed like yesterday they were smiling together, laughing together, just being happy. The thought that he could never see him again was enough to tip him over the edge. 

Complete numbness. Harry thought that the could be nothing worse than how he felt when he heard the news, but he was wrong. That’s not the worst part. It’s after. When you’re alone. Feeling nothing. At least when he heard he felt something. Pain. Agony. He had collapsed to the floor when he got the phone call. 

‘Missing in Action’ they had said. Harry knew what they meant. He was gone. That was it.

It had been a week now. He hadn’t seen anybody since. He had holed himself up in their apartment. Listening to Louis’ favourite songs, crying to every one. 

When he woke up in the morning, he cherished the first few seconds of ignorance- until he remembered. Then the numbness returned. 

“You promised you’d never leave me, you said we’d have forever.” Harry sobbed into the jumper he was holding. 

Harry never understood why Louis had to leave. He didn’t understand why he couldn’t have just stayed with him, they could’ve been happy, they were happy. 

When Louis had got the phone call saying he had been deployed he had reassured Harry everything would be fine, that he wouldn’t even notice he was gone. That he would be back before he knew it. Now Harry had to face the reality that Louis was never coming back, he was gone forever. 

Harry’s head shot around when he heard the letterbox. A letter had been pushed through. Harry hauled himself over to the door and picked up the letter that fell. 

He picked it up and looked at it. When he saw the handwriting he had almost thrown up- It was his, It was Louis’ writing. 

He dragged himself over to the couch, accompanied by a bottle of whiskey. He opened the letter. When he saw the pages that lay inside, the writing etched onto the pages, he felt a lump in his throat. 

It was him. It was his writing. He started reading. 

“Dearest Harry.” 

Harry took a swig of whiskey, tears slowly falling onto his cheeks.

“I was thinking about you the other day, do you remember out trip to Doncaster- the first time I took you there? I was thinking about how happy I was to bring you home- show you where I had grown up. Introduce you to my mum. I remember thinking about how happy I was, how happy you had made me - do you know that- you made me the happiest I have ever been. 

Things are looking pretty bleak out here at the moment. I went out with a squad last night, only three of us came back. Every day it carries on. The artillery is getting heavier, the ground shakes for most of the night. The nights are getting colder, too. I can barely sleep. I cherish the little sleep I get, it’s the only time I get to spend with you, in my dreams. I wake up and you’re the first thing on my mind. 

I know I haven’t written in a while, and for that I’m sorry. We’ve been patrolling relentlessly. But, I needed to write to you, because for the first time in a long time, I’m beginning to think that we may not win. I couldn’t bear the thought of not being able to tell you how I felt- if anything happened. 

You are the best thing that ever happened to me, you brought me happiness I never thought I would know. My life was monotone, and you brought me glorious technicolour, and for that I will always be grateful to you. I was never a real believer of true love, but you showed me that I was wrong. I know that what I had with you was true, and real, and as much as I hate to admit it. I should’ve listened to you. I should’ve stayed with you, I should’ve never left you. 

I don’t really know why I did sign up- some foolish desire to become a hero, or to mean something to the world. If I knew what I did now, I wouldn’t come. I don’t need to mean something to the world. Meaning something to you is more than enough for me, but now it’s too late. fuck. 

You know I’ve always had a knack for making bad decisions- just like that time I thought it would be a good idea for us to go skinny dipping on our weekend away to Scotland. I had the flu for a solid two weeks. But, it was worth it. I remember your face when I suggested it- you looked at me like I was insane. But you followed me- you always had my back, even when I was stupid- admittedly, that was a lot. 

I just want to tell you something, just in case something happens to me- I’m praying that it won’t. I’m praying every night that I get to see you again. I’ve never wanted anything more than to be there with you.

I know this is a selfish thing to ask, but, please, don’t hate me. I know I have given you every reason to. But, I don’t think I could ever find peace if I knew that you hated me. 

Second of all, please, baby, please, live your life. I don’t want to be the reason you didn’t get to live your life to the full. I want you to live, I want you to love, but most of all. I want you to be happy. That’s all I want for you, is to be happy.” 

Harry was in floods of tears. He couldn’t stop the sobbing. His chest convulsed. He threw the bottle of whiskey at the wall and watched as it shattered into a thousand pieces. He knew what that felt like, knowing that you would never be whole again. 

“I’ve gotta go now, we’ve got another patrol to do. I’m so tired, and cold. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of you, the memories I have of you. They help me carry on. I don’t think I would have survived this long if it wasn’t for you. I’m fighting to get back to you. 

I’m sorry if my writing is a mess- you know it’s never been a strong point of mine. 

One more thing. 

I love you, so much. 

Yours, always and forever, 

Louis” 

Harry set the letter down to the side of him and lay on the couch, pulling his knees to his chest. His face was buried in Louis’ jumper. The smell of him was overwhelming. It just made him sob more. 

It felt like he had been there for hours, even days maybe. He didn’t notice anymore. 

Harry hadn’t spoken to anyone since he got the phone call. He’d thrown his phone at the wall, just like the whiskey bottle. What was the point? He could never talk to the one person he wanted to talk to the most, ever again. What was the point of it all? 

Harry was startled when he heard footsteps approach the door of the apartment. It wasn’t the first time someone had tried to come and see him since the phone call. But he would do exactly what he had done to the rest this time. Ignore them, until they left. 

Harry closed his eyes, wanting it all to go away. “It’s just a dream.” He whispered to himself between sobs. 

A key turned in the lock- was it the caretaker? Had someone rang him, was it because he had thrown the bottle at the wall. 

He got up and headed towards the door, ready to tell the caretaker to fuck off. He didn’t care anymore. 

He saw the door swing open. 

His fists were clenched tightly at his side. 

They walked into the apartment and Harry stopped, and stared. 

“Louis.”


End file.
